Irritation!

Aagh!

You know, I take my time when I look for a book to buy. I'm making an investment and I want to make sure I have a good return on my investment, i.e. I will enjoy the story. I become naively upset when my purchase yields, well, crap. This does happen from rare time to time so you would think I'd just pfft and toss the wasted story over my proverbial shoulder, right? Maybe it's the writer in me, but no, I get upset. And it's a selfish, jealous upset.

I've been trying for awhile to be published, and I will continue to try until the day (and from then on) when an editor contacts me back with something in the form of "we want you!" I work hard on my stories and on my edits. I cast vulnerability to the side when my stories are critically critiqued. I rewrite and make new edits, and my rejection letters are beginning to turn into a pile. But that's okay with me. I know I'm growing as a writer and I am determined.

But let me buy a book where I can hardly finish the story due to unidentified pronouns, mixed up time lines and confusing as hell sexual positions and it makes me madder than a stirred up hornets nest.

God bless the author, I try to tell myself. I really don't think I'm upset with her as a person. She's no doubt been in the same position I'm in where she's toiling away for publication. Then she gets a lucky shot with some publishing house. Now this is where the disgust really comes to play. How can any sane editor or publisher be okay with putting out a work that is, in a nutshell, confusing?

The story I just made myself finish, because I bought the damn thing, sounded good at first. If I am not distracted by the writing, I can let almost anything go. It was obvious this author worked hard on the first chapter of her book. Beginning with Chapter Two, however, I began second guessing my purchase. By the time I made it to Chapter Three my eyes popped open with disbelief. I went back to check the author's name and the publishing house and they were both legitimate (not complete unknowns, in other words). Considering I was less than one third through the book, I shook my head then proceeded to plow through to the end.

My suspension of disbelief now evaporated, I scanned past the endless sex scenes that took up too much of my time figuring out (were they both on their knees upright or laying down? Wouldn't she drown if she went down on him while he sat in a tub full of water? These kinds of things). I laughed out loud at the pretentiousness of the dialogue (a scullery maid saying things like "uprooted myself," "be that as it may," "summarily"), and I became amazed anew that in less than 12 hours, a young, virginal woman - did I mention this was an historical - willingly gave herself to not one, but two men, complete strangers at that, and even begged to try - and enjoyed - anal play! C'mon. Fantasy is one thing, but there has to be even a modicum of realism for me to fall into the tale.

Still, I don't hold it against the author. I am no hypocrite as I'm not published myself. I am no doubt working through my own hideous errors that some editor out there is squinching her eyes and saying "Please God, how can I tell Ayla to not quit her day job!"

And this is why I am not too upset that my stories have not seen the light the publishing day. When my stories are out there for the reading public, I want them to buy with confidence that they will have one hell of a story in their hands (or kindle or nook or ereader...). The right editor and the right publisher are out there for me.

Somewhere...

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Don't know if this is going to work or not, but I am tired of the same ol', same ol'. I've wanted to change my blogs appearance, but alas, I am short of funds to hire a professional, so computer-challenged me attempted to dig in there and do it myself.

I suppose it's alright. I am having a difficult time, however, figuring out what "tab" means as opposed to "tab background," and other such given names. Then I take a look-see and I think, "No, I wanted those words to be a different color." Unfortunately, I don't know what the term is for the given group of words so I have to pluck around the different choices. In the meantime, I end up screwing up another part that I had just right.

No, I am not mad. Actually, I'm laughing right now. God loves computer literate people. Really. I'm just not one of them. Never have been and I don't see myself as ever being one, either. I have a friend that tries to tell me to just "go here," and "input this there," and "html," this and "code" that. My eyes cross. Literally. They make it seem soooo easy.

Oh well, I'm going to leave the ol' blog as-is for now. I've been wrestling with this thing for near an hour (disgusting, isn't it?) and I'm exhausted. Plus, I feel a mite guilty because I've neglected my writing for tonight.

Wait though, I am writing, aren't I? Okay, so it may be cheating to say my blog post is my writing for the night, but some days you gotta let it go and give over to the change . . .

For Mom's

May all Mothers out there
have a great and beautiful and wonderful day today!

**I have a New Toy**

Yes! I have a new toy and I'm excited! I recently purchased and received an eBookwise eReader. I know, I know, there are so many more eReaders out there that are arguably "better," but these others are considerably out of my current price range. The eBookwise is extremely affordable if you're looking to delve into the ebook experience.

My eReader may be a tad bulky (but only because of the hand bump - which actually is quite nice when holding and reading) when comapred to items like the Nook or the Kindle, but I really love my new eReader. It has a backlight so reading on this thing anytime, anywhere, is such a delight for me. It came with a few classics already loaded which was a nice surprise and the battery life is sweet - 10 or 11 hours. And you can still read while charging the ebook!

I don't know how many books it will hold yet but you can get a chip to slip inside to bump up your capacity. Trust me, though, when I say I'm working hard on seeing how much it can hold.

Some favorites I've been downloading and reading, just in case your interested in finding something great to read, are: Marie Harte, Bronwyn Green and Cherise Sinclair. I'll chat about others as I read them . . .

Another great option about this machine I haven't tried yet, but definately will, is being able to download my own Word documents. In other words, the stories I'm writing I'll be able to put them on my machine to read through them at my leisure while I'm taking the kids to lessons or sitting in the doctors office or whenever I find myself in the "waiting" time.

Jonesing for a Read

Man, I want a book so bad.

{shake}{shake}

I am surrounded by books, both in print and electronic. But I am denying myself. On purpose.

{shake}

You see, I am a book addict, nothing new there. But there are times, especially when all of life seems to be against you, that opening a book is a life-saver, you know?

I am not letting myself go there this time, and for very good reason. First, life is going well for me right now. A rare "yea." The kids are sorta off (I'm only doing half day school this week - middle ground for their not having a complete spring break like their friends) so they're willy nilly most of the time. I have the time this week to sit back and lose myself in a book. But I'm not.

You see, when I get into a book, I tend to let my writing fall to the side. It is not uncommon for me to intentionally hold off on a book I want to sink my teeth into and make it a reward for writing a certain amount or doing something writing-related. That's what I'm doing now, and it's working. Painfully so it seems at times. The painful part is that I cannot sit down and lose myself in writing a story whenever I want. Too many distractions of the animal and little male kind. It is so much easier to read a book and set it down when I have to break up a fight, put someone in a room or make a snack. Try getting into a writing a story, especially a turn-up-the-heat kind, and break it off right when the characters get their clothes off just to tell brother 1 that he shouldn't call brother 2 an idiot and that brother 3 needs to get out of brother 1's room and to leave the dog alone! Fifteen to thirty minutes later, once all are sufficiently occupied for a short time, turn around and try to pick right back up with the heat part. Yeah, right. Not gonna happen. Not if I want it to be good. So I save the writing when I'll be undisturbed (does this ever happen in a household where you are not single????) and that leaves most of the daytime hours with me . . .

biting my nails and shifting my eyes and eyeing the bookcases and my wallet and the online stores . . . you get the point. That's okay though, I remind myself. I'm pumping out my story as well as making a rather long list of all those books I'm going to devour once my next self-imposed deadline is met.

How bad do ya want it?

Whenever you have a desire for something - a book, a meal, a man - somewhere in the back of your mind your subconscious is deciding how bad you want this particular desire. Is it enough to be happy with the thought of having this out of reach dream, or is the itch to posses stronger? That's when you have to decide, consciously, what you need to do to acquire your wants.

My desire, as it has been for several years, is to be a published author. I write, I submit, I get my rejections. I write some more, I submit some more, I get more rejections. *sigh* That's the life of any person going after their dream. I am okay with this because I know that someday, I will achieve that seemingly elusive dream of publication. I know this.

It's tough, though, when life throws so many roadblocks in your way you begin to wonder if your dream is simply nothing more than mist. You can feel it on your skin, you might catch a taste of it on your tongue, but there is nothing there to grab onto. There is no cup that can contain it as proof that your dream can be real.

Between kids and animals surrounding my ankles 24/7, parents to keep an eye on, a husband to juggle and other stresses that sometimes feel like my life's being strangled right out of me, it's too easy to push my own dream to the side. "There's too much going on right now to dedicate writing time," or "I'm too exhausted to write." These and other similar comments I have used from time to time, but I cannot and will not let them beat me down. I must never let them become placating excuses.

I do count my blessings. I am lucky. I have a family that even though they take my life's blood, they encourage my dream. I have friends who pester the crap out of me to continue to write. I have an endless supply of web sites and author blogs to keep me in the loop, and I cannot tell you how encouraging it is to read about the many, many authors out there who openly tell how they wrote for 5, 10, 15 YEARS before they were published. With all these positives surrounding me, I'd be a fool to not give of myself to my craft.

So I make the time to write and edit and submit. And I'll keep on, through sickness and health, through richer or poorer, till death do I part - I promise you, I want it bad.

Little Boys will one day be Men

Yes, they will - God help them. And I will one day find out the truth of this as I have three of 'em. Three testosterone filled little beings that love crude noises, think kissing girls is funny or gross and already, before reaching the milestone age of 10, think scrapes, cuts and wounds are the coolest thing to have.

Their latest love is Indiana Jones. They play the video games, they've watched some of the movies and he's their hero right now. Hey, I'm cool with that. Indy's way cool. They've outfitted themselves with robe belts to act as whips, they pull out their "Sunday" clothes to wear the top-two-buttons undone shirts, they found some old floppy hats (but not fedora's and trust me, I am hearing how they NEED fedoras *sigh*), and just today, they talked me into pulling out some of my makeup to dot 5 o'clock shadows on their baby jaws and give them realistic looking scrapes and cuts over their arms and faces. Turned out pretty good, if I do say so myself. They're even leaving everything in place to see if their dad will think their wounds are real.

As much as I am amused - even when I groan - at their pretend play, I step back and I can see where they are looking up to a man they want to emulate. This is when I step in and make sure they also notice his dedication and loyalty and perseverance. I know there will be others they will want to be like as they continue to grow, and I feel it's my job to not only encourage this, but to make sure they see the whole man, not just the rough and tumble parts.

I create, when I write, the kind of men who are whole. Yes, a fantasy man. :) They have their bad boy sides, their playful sides and then their compassionate - and very passionate - sides. I think of my own boys sometimes when I write. How will they grow up? Will they be able and willing to open up to the right woman for them? Will they love and protect her with their whole hearts while giving her the room to be her own woman at the same time? I guess I can only pray this will be true and only time will tell.

As for now, they get the rough and tumble parts. That's okay by me, too - as long as there are no broken bones. I know I can't shape them as easily as I can shape one of my characters, but I know I'm going to do my best. I suppose that's all I can do.